TW: rape
I woke up on the morning of 24th October 2017 to some terrible yet repeating news: a drunk habitual offender raped a woman in Vizag, in broad daylight, on a busy footpath no less while bystanders filmed the atrocity and no passers-by intervened to help. My whole day was impacted by this and my emotions went through a rollercoaster ride: from horror, to sorrow, to quiet contemplation to fury and finally to hopelessness. It felt like déjà vu. How many times have these instances be reported? It’s becoming far too common-place to hear news about this.
I read too many articles that day and most of them portrayed the offender, Siva Ganji, as a man to be sympathized with, having lost his father at a young age and coming from a poor family. However, what many sources omitted, was that he beats up his mother when she does not give him money and resorts to thefts and burglaries to sustain his addiction to liquor. Some ridiculous comments on these pages even went as far as excusing the man because he was heavily drunk and therefore ‘unaccountable’ for his actions. The way that certain media outlets, knowingly or unintentionally provide facts about the crime-doers family, background or habits humanizes them and in turn evokes an angle of sympathy to those following. Further, it makes survivors who hold onto their anger look or even feel less worthy by comparison. To paraphrase what Jackson Katz so aptly said, it is time to stop using the passive voice to narrate ‘violence against women’: “as if it just happens to them and that men aren’t even part of it”. Instead of talking about how many women were raped, we should talk about how many men raped women without forgetting the needs of the survivors.
In fact, the public platform does a lot of damage in putting the burden on the survivor to come out and speak out about their experiences and trauma. But the fact of the matter is that we are past just starting the conversation or being in solidarity with a hashtag (such as #MeToo). The conversation has long started and it is being reignited every time a story breaks out. But where is the change? Everyone knows many people in their circles who have been harassed/assaulted/abused. It is extremely heartbreaking to know that nearly every woman on this planet has faced sexual violence. It is even more agonizing how many people know men who are guilty of committing sexual crimes. The problem lies in not how many men are aware but how many are complicit, guilty and/or silent. It is high time that men step up to use their position of privilege to not only speak against the perpetrators but also denounce them, stop associating with them and stop forgiving them.
Almost every time a discussion breaks out on Twitter, a lot of men come out of their shadows of complicit silence to say “Not all men do this…” or “Not all men are pigs…”. This response is both unhelpful and redundant. First of all, women know that not all men are sexist/violent/rapists. Holding up a handful of examples of men who are not guilty doesn’t erase or devalue the men who should be held accountable. Anyway, the discussion is not about men who are not part of the problem (but they should be if they are complicit and quiet). Second of all, it is impossible for a woman to tell who is not going to hurt her when surrounded by a group of men. Unfortunately, this is the harsh and unfair reality that all women deal with on a daily basis. Instead, just accept the truth when women tell you and do everything in your power to stop such heinous actions. It could be anything from calling out sexist remarks, unfriending a misogynist, not endorsing sexist products to supporting organizations that help survivors, rallying for better security and protection in your neighborhood and generally become more responsive and sensitive to a survivor’s needs. Finally, advocating the #notallmen movement puts you in a defensive position where you aren’t really listening to understand but listening to reply and defend yourself. It also veers dangerously close to mansplaining territory wherein you think you know and can explain the issue better than a woman who has gone through it. If your response to acts of sexual violence is to defend men instead of speaking out against it, then you best check yourself. This conversation is not about you, at the end of the day. The movement #YesAllWomen serves as an excellent foil and vital testimony for the #NotAllMen hashtag. Just going through the related tweets on twitter will give you the confirmation that women very often experience sexism and rape culture on a regular basis and from an all too early age.
I think the most significant reason for the prevalence of these incidents of violence is that many men are heavily influenced by patriarchal notions and ergo have a sense of entitlement and superiority. A classic example of this is the concept of ‘friend zone’. Instead of understanding that a woman doesn’t have any romantic/sexual attraction towards the man but doesn’t want to lose his friendship or platonic relationship, most men interpret it as if the women are denying them their right to access her body and sexual entitlement. The friend zone perpetuates the dangerous idea that ‘nice men’ deserve to be with the woman they desire. Being decent to someone should be expected and why should someone be rewarded with sex or romantic commitment for being the same? Doesn’t this just mean that we, as a society, have been conditioned to think that women are trophies for men’s good behavior? And why are women shamed for their desire to remain friends while the man’s desire to have a relationship generates empathy? This is the most obvious reason why jokes, memes and narrations about the friend zone must be stopped.
There are of course many other deeply ingrained instances of internal misogyny, propelled by our largely patriarchal society and privilege of men. The very idea that women usually do more work around the house than the men is very unjust. Since when does gender determine your knowledge or even practice of basic life skills like cooking and cleaning? One can argue that it is a tradition passed down from a time when the men used to be the sole breadwinners of the house and that by virtue of having more time, women were automatically expected to do them. This passed down habit no longer applies today because a lot of women now have full-time jobs. In any case, even if the woman is a house-wife, it is basic decency and responsibility to share the laundry, share the dishes and help out in cleaning and cooking. Saying or even implying the idea that a woman belongs in a kitchen is deeply sexist and fosters the thought that women exist only to cook and serve men. Internal misogyny pervades even the most mundane things in our lives such as grooming, complementing, smiling etc... in ways where men expect us to behave in certain ways.
It baffles me to no end that we still have to fight for our safety and well-being. It puzzles me that we even have to explain that certain things are ‘bad’. It frustrates me that people still condone the feminist movement and mistake it for misandry. It angers me that intersectional feminism is not just common sense and that everyone on the planet regardless of race, gender, age, nationality, creed and sexual orientation deserve equal rights. I can’t believe that Saudi Arabia only just passed a law allowing women to drive. I can’t believe it has not even been 100 years since women were enacted equal voting rights in India (1947). I can’t believe there are still many groups of women around the world who are being oppressed and discriminated against. It pains me that I will not be able to help them all out. But NOTHING is going to hurdle me from speaking out or creating sensitive and safe spaces for women. I may feel powerless sometimes. I may feel hopeless sometimes. I may even feel desperate sometimes. But at no point will I give up. Just try and stop me.
--V
*I am not rude. I am outspoken.
