Perhaps not all men, but still too many of them

TW: rape

I woke up on the morning of 24th October 2017 to some terrible yet repeating news: a drunk habitual offender raped a woman in Vizag, in broad daylight, on a busy footpath no less while bystanders filmed the atrocity and no passers-by intervened to help. My whole day was impacted by this and my emotions went through a rollercoaster ride: from horror, to sorrow, to quiet contemplation to fury and finally to hopelessness. It felt like déjà vu. How many times have these instances be reported? It’s becoming far too common-place to hear news about this.

I read too many articles that day and most of them portrayed the offender, Siva Ganji, as a man to be sympathized with, having lost his father at a young age and coming from a poor family. However, what many sources omitted, was that he beats up his mother when she does not give him money and resorts to thefts and burglaries to sustain his addiction to liquor. Some ridiculous comments on these pages even went as far as excusing the man because he was heavily drunk and therefore ‘unaccountable’ for his actions. The way that certain media outlets, knowingly or unintentionally provide facts about the crime-doers family, background or habits humanizes them and in turn evokes an angle of sympathy to those following. Further, it makes survivors who hold onto their anger look or even feel less worthy by comparison. To paraphrase what Jackson Katz so aptly said, it is time to stop using the passive voice to narrate ‘violence against women’: “as if it just happens to them and that men aren’t even part of it”. Instead of talking about how many women were raped, we should talk about how many men raped women without forgetting the needs of the survivors.

In fact, the public platform does a lot of damage in putting the burden on the survivor to come out and speak out about their experiences and trauma. But the fact of the matter is that we are past just starting the conversation or being in solidarity with a hashtag (such as #MeToo). The conversation has long started and it is being reignited every time a story breaks out. But where is the change? Everyone knows many people in their circles who have been harassed/assaulted/abused. It is extremely heartbreaking to know that nearly every woman on this planet has faced sexual violence. It is even more agonizing how many people know men who are guilty of committing sexual crimes. The problem lies in not how many men are aware but how many are complicit, guilty and/or silent. It is high time that men step up to use their position of privilege to not only speak against the perpetrators but also denounce them, stop associating with them and stop forgiving them.

Almost every time a discussion breaks out on Twitter, a lot of men come out of their shadows of complicit silence to say “Not all men do this…” or “Not all men are pigs…”. This response is both unhelpful and redundant. First of all, women know that not all men are sexist/violent/rapists. Holding up a handful of examples of men who are not guilty doesn’t erase or devalue the men who should be held accountable. Anyway, the discussion is not about men who are not part of the problem (but they should be if they are complicit and quiet). Second of all, it is impossible for a woman to tell who is not going to hurt her when surrounded by a group of men. Unfortunately,  this is the harsh and unfair reality that all women deal with on a daily basis. Instead, just accept the truth when women tell you and do everything in your power to stop such heinous actions. It could be anything from calling out sexist remarks, unfriending a misogynist, not endorsing sexist products to supporting organizations that help survivors, rallying for better security and protection in your neighborhood and generally become more responsive and sensitive to a survivor’s needs. Finally, advocating the #notallmen movement puts you in a defensive position where you aren’t really listening to understand but listening to reply and defend yourself. It also veers dangerously close to mansplaining territory wherein you think you know and can explain the issue better than a woman who has gone through it. If your response to acts of sexual violence is to defend men instead of speaking out against it, then you best check yourself. This conversation is not about you, at the end of the day. The movement #YesAllWomen serves as an excellent foil and vital testimony for the #NotAllMen hashtag. Just going through the related tweets on twitter will give you the confirmation that women very often experience sexism and rape culture on a regular basis and from an all too early age.

I think the most significant reason for the prevalence of these incidents of violence is that many men are heavily influenced by patriarchal notions and ergo have a sense of entitlement and superiority. A classic example of this is the concept of ‘friend zone’. Instead of understanding that a woman doesn’t have any romantic/sexual attraction towards the man but doesn’t want to lose his friendship or platonic relationship, most men interpret it as if the women are denying them their right to access her body and sexual entitlement. The friend zone perpetuates the dangerous idea that ‘nice men’ deserve to be with the woman they desire. Being decent to someone should be expected and why should someone be rewarded with sex or romantic commitment for being the same? Doesn’t this just mean that we, as a society, have been conditioned to think that women are trophies for men’s good behavior? And why are women shamed for their desire to remain friends while the man’s desire to have a relationship generates empathy? This is the most obvious reason why jokes, memes and narrations about the friend zone must be stopped.

There are of course many other deeply ingrained instances of internal misogyny, propelled by our largely patriarchal society and privilege of men. The very idea that women usually do more work around the house than the men is very unjust. Since when does gender determine your knowledge or even practice of basic life skills like cooking and cleaning? One can argue that it is a tradition passed down from a time when the men used to be the sole breadwinners of the house and that by virtue of having more time, women were automatically expected to do them. This passed down habit no longer applies today because a lot of women now have full-time jobs. In any case, even if the woman is a house-wife, it is basic decency and responsibility to share the laundry, share the dishes and help out in cleaning and cooking. Saying or even implying the idea that a woman belongs in a kitchen is deeply sexist and fosters the thought that women exist only to cook and serve men. Internal misogyny pervades even the most mundane things in our lives such as grooming, complementing, smiling etc... in ways where men expect us to behave in certain ways.

It baffles me to no end that we still have to fight for our safety and well-being. It puzzles me that we even have to explain that certain things are ‘bad’. It frustrates me that people still condone the feminist movement and mistake it for misandry. It angers me that intersectional feminism is not just common sense and that everyone on the planet regardless of race, gender, age, nationality, creed and sexual orientation deserve equal rights. I can’t believe that Saudi Arabia only just passed a law allowing women to drive.  I can’t believe it has not even been 100 years since women were enacted equal voting rights in India (1947). I can’t believe there are still many groups of women around the world who are being oppressed and discriminated against. It pains me that I will not be able to help them all out. But NOTHING is going to hurdle me from speaking out or creating sensitive and safe spaces for women. I may feel powerless sometimes. I may feel hopeless sometimes. I may even feel desperate sometimes. But at no point will I give up. Just try and stop me.

--V

*I am not rude. I am outspoken.

The role of Patriarchy in Hinduism

This article was originally written for and published by The Red Elephant Foundation. 

http://www.redelephantfoundation.org/2017/05/the-role-of-patriarchy-in-hinduism.html

In a feminist’s life, religion will always have an omnipresent (and sometimes nagging) role, especially if one identifies with a religion or grows up in a religious community. It is very tricky to reconcile gender roles and religion because many religions rely on patriarchal structures and the near-blind acceptance of them. In fact, feminism and religion are connected in that many of our views on feminism can be framed by religious practices and doctrines. They are also allied in the sense that the end goal is the same: inclusion and connection through a common belief in the community. However, it is important to internalize the fact that being a feminist does not mean being anti-religion. The entire purport of feminism is to empower women, most often by providing them with the ability to choose. If a woman is not given a choice to reconcile feminist values and religion, we risk alienating the very women we wish to uplift. Being a Hindu myself, I have experienced the ways in which the patriarchal structures of Hinduism have influenced my feminist thought. Examining gender roles and orthodox traditions in Hinduism, can give us insight into how certain stereotypes and gender roles came to be.

In Hinduism, there are a countless number of gods and goddesses. To my surprise, the ancient scriptures and texts seem to provide evidence that gender of these deities was not seen as binary but more like a spectrum. The creator, Brahma (the creator), is perceived by many Hindus to be genderless. Many gods, such as ‘Ardhanarishvara’ are also seen as androgynous. There are several words in Sanskrit and Tamil, such as ‘pedi’, ‘kliba’ and ‘sanda’ that suggest that civilization has long been familiar with queer thought and behavior. Today, however, sexuality is a rarely discussed openly in society. Homosexuality has been illegal for many years until a brief period in 2009. Soon after, the Supreme Court of India reinstated the legal ban on homosexuality. In fact, homosexuality, sex education, safe sex etc are all considered to be taboo topics and are rarely spoken of in the public without criticism or backlash.

In a society where sexuality is such a taboo topic, it is very fascinating and ironic that many religious customs that married women adhere to are for the purpose of improving a woman’s libido and sex drive (thereby increasing the woman’s fertility). The bindi is a small dot (often red) that is worn by women on the forehead, between the eyes. Though the actual purpose behind the bindi is widely debated, many Hindus believe that it is to enhance beauty, signify that the woman is married and improve concentration and focus. The placement of the bindi is such that it places pressure on a nerve on the forehead that connects to the uterus. A married woman may also apply sindhoor/kumkum (a vermillion powder made using turmeric) on her hair line to signify that she is married. Sindhoor is known to produce a cooling effect on the body, but the popular use for this powder suggests that the deep red colour signifies the fertile blood and the redness of the womb. Articles of clothing and other accessories such as toe-rings and the Mangal sutra (which literally translates to ‘auspicious string’) worn after marriage serve similar purposes.

The Mangal Sutra is both the creator and destroyer of a married life. When tied to a woman’s neck by her husband, it promotes her to wifehood. When it is removed, it demotes her to widowhood. A widow is also usually stripped of any jewelry - bangles, toe-rings, anklets, rings, sindhoor and even colour clothes. In older times, widows were considered extremely inauspicious. Anyone who encounters a widow before an auspicious or happy occasion believed they would have bad luck and considered seeing a widow was a bad omen. Centuries ago, there existed a practice known as ‘sati’, wherein the widow throws herself into her husband’s pyre or commits suicide in any other fashion, immediately after her husband’s death. This practice was not completely eradicated or made illegal until the 20^th century. In 1987, the government of India passed a ‘Commission of Sati (prevention) Act’ that made it illegal to support, attempt or even glorify sati. Even though scholars suggest that sati was a voluntary action, many cases seem to suggest it is forced. Not only does this suggest the patriarchy’s role in making the man seem to ‘own’ the woman but also induce the toxic notion that a woman has no worth if she is not married/ is widowed.  

In Hindu temples, the majority of priests are male and it is rare that one ever sees a female priest. If you walk into a Hindu temple, more often than not, you will find the priest to be topless – wearing only a long sarong (saffron, yellow, white, red or black) draped around the lower-half of the body. According to the ‘Agama Shastras’, many temples in Kerala do not allow male devotees to wear shirts. The reasons behind this strange custom stem from the fact that back in those days, men did not traditionally have an upper body garment. Another popular belief is that going bare-chested and removed of all materialistic and accessory garment shows god that you have nothing to hide while also driving a more personal connection with the deity. In polar contrast, many temples have a stipulated dress code stating women must only be dressed in Indian wear/dressed ‘modestly’ – i.e. sleeveless tops and tight jeans are not allowed. Theorized reasons for this dress code is to ensure comfort and no distraction (to other devotees and to oneself) or embellishments around God. The double standards are still apparent in the case of men. Whatever the reasons used by our Hindu ancestors to justify these age-old customs, I strongly believe that most of these temple traditions have little relevance to today’s world. If a woman feels comfortable wearing jeans and a t-shirt to the temple, she should be allowed to do so. Similarly, a man who wants to keep his shirt on while offering prayers to the deity should have the right to do so. What matters at the end of the day, is the devotion, spiritual connection to god and the prayers offered/blessings sought in the temple.

Unfortunately, in India, periods and the menstrual cycle are very taboo and hush-hush topics of discussion. For most Hindus, the unspoken rule is that women who are menstruating are not allowed to enter temples, religious shrines or even prayer rooms. There are even certain temples in India, such as the Sabarimala temple in Kerala, wherein women who are within the age of menstruating are forbidden from entering. Girls who have not matured yet and women who have reached menopause are allowed entry into the temple. In some households, a woman on her period is not allowed to sleep on the bed, eat from daily kitchenware and must wash her clothes separately. In most rural households, they are not even allowed to enter the house. The reasons behind these rules seem sensible. Staying separately and using different kitchen ware pertain to the reason of hygiene and cleanliness, to avoid the spread of bacteria and therefore infections. A woman is also not expected to strain herself and therefore take a lot of rest because she may experience pains and cramps. In the 21^st century, these practices are not really followed as customs primarily due to advancement in healthcare and availability of tampons and sanitary pads, which minimize the risk of bacteria and other harmful microbes even if a woman is on her period.

With the rampant proliferation in globalization, the roles of women in Hinduism are changing. Hindu women experience more freedom and have more choices today, than ever before. With ongoing efforts to abolish outdated and irrelevant traditions like child-marriage, Hindu-practicing individuals are on the road to more religious freedom and open-minded thinking. It is important to remember, that there is still a long way to go in creating a gender-equal community for Hindus and the way to do this exists not only through legislative changes but also through changes at the local level. Raising awareness about unjust practices and archaic customs can go a long way in changing the lives of women and men in their community. We must continue to question preconceived gender-roles and outlandish traditions (but not just for the sake of them) and work to improve the lives of the minority women and men.  

*The author of this article does not intend to offend anyone or even the Hindu religion with her opinions of the same.

--V

*I am not rude. I am outspoken.

What is Intersectional Feminism?

You’ve probably heard the latest internet buzzword (is buzzphrase a thing?), ‘intersectional feminism’. It must be popping up on your timelines and news alerts and what not. Day by day, more people are starting to identify as intersectional feminists because there is an increase in awareness about this movement. The term was coined by Kimberle Crenshaw. In her insightful 1989 essay, Crenshaw uses a simple analogy to concretize the concept:

Consider an analogy to traffic in an intersection, coming and going in all four directions. Discrimination, like traffic through an intersection, may flow in one direction, and it may flow in another. If an accident happens in an intersection, it can be caused by cars traveling from any number of directions and, sometimes, from all of them. Similarly, if a Black woman is harmed because she is in an intersection, her injury could result from sex discrimination or race discrimination. . . . But it is not always easy to reconstruct an accident: Sometimes the skid marks and the injuries simply indicate that they occurred simultaneously, frustrating efforts to determine which driver caused the harm.

Although it has been 28 years since the term was first used, it has crept into the mainstream debate surrounding feminism only a few years ago. Understandably, this is why many are still unaware or confused about it.

To elaborate on intersectional feminism, it is important to understand the most fundamental idea about intersectionality: there is no one-size-fits-all type of feminism. Intersectionality tries to bring about the idea that the identity comprises of several component identities, which include but are not limited to, gender, race, nationality, ethnicity, class, sexuality, age, religion, mental and physical disabilities etc… Intersectionality proposes that all of these identities are not independent but rather interdependent and linked to one another. Certain groups of women have multi-layered facets in life that they deal with on a daily-basis. For example, an able-bodied heterosexual white woman has a completely different point of view about feminism than does a bisexual, paraplegic African-American black skinned woman. It is very essential that mainstream feminism evolves to include ideas from women from all spheres of life. If it remains stagnant, the movement will become fragmented and be less effective.

With multiple identities come multiple privileges and even multiple oppressions. There are many studies and instances which show that women who come from minorities are more likely to be subjected to these oppressions. Non-heterosexual women are more susceptible to hatred and verbal abuse. Economically disadvantaged women, women of colour and uneducated women are more vulnerable to poverty, domestic abuse and other forms of violence. Transwomen are often ignored or subjected to hate-based violence. Being a part of the minority leads to many challenges. If the mainstream conversation of feminism doesn’t account for the women who are at a greater comparative risk of facing discrimination, we aren’t accounting for all women and so the idea of feminism is by definition, not proper.

Although ‘white feminism’ is a more colloquial and slightly derogative term to use, it is the kind of feminism that most teens are exposed to on the media. The Urban Dictionary defines white feminism as “A brand of feminism centered around the ideals and struggles of primarily white women. While not outright exclusive, its failure to consider other women and its preoccupation with Western standards and the problems faced by the “average woman” is often alienating to women of color, non-straight women, trans women, and women belonging to religious or cultural minorities.” While this type of feminism raises questions about certain issues regarding gender equality, like equal pay, it fails to pay attention to other issues which are not separate from the conversation, such as trans-women’s rights, cultural appropriation and disability rights. It erases the experiences of minority women who are not white, heterosexual and cis-gendered.  It also imposes tight boundaries around what it means to be a woman and a feminist.

Intersectional feminism is extremely necessary in this day age where there is rampant globalization and an increase in diversity around the world. This movement is not just about breaking glass ceilings but also making the world a better place for women in all spheres of their life.

--V

*I am not rude. I am outspoken.

References:

1.       http://isreview.org/issue/91/black-feminism-and-intersectionality

2.       https://philpapers.org/archive/CREDTI.pdf

3.       http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10572435/Intersectional-feminism.-What-the-hell-is-it-And-why-you-should-care.html

Disney's Gender Portrayals

This article was originally written for and published by The Red Elephant Foundation. 

http://www.redelephantfoundation.org/2017/04/disneys-gender-portrayals.html

Disney’s animated princess films are perhaps one of the first movies that a young child, born in the millennial generation, would watch. I, myself, remember growing up with classics like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, the Little Mermaid and Mulan. When I re-watched them as a teen, I found myself completely horrified by the portrayal of young adult women and men. I found myself really thinking about the stories and the ideas they project to the viewers and I was left upset and appalled because the movies had been ruined for me.

Snow White projected to viewers that being fair-skinned makes you the most beautiful. Sleeping Beauty showed a prince falling in love with a woman solely based on her looks (this is evidenced by the fact that he kisses Aurora while she is in a ‘sleep-like-death’). In Cinderella, the prince sets out to marry the woman whose foot fits into a dainty and delicate glass heels because apparently, he can’t remember the personality or even the face of the woman he danced all night with. Jasmine and other women in ‘Aladdin’ perpetuated the stereotype that brown-skinned women are feisty, animalistic and sexual – a vast majority of the women were shown wearing racy clothes and dancing seductively. These cases described send out a dangerous message to young girls and boys watching: the message that a woman’s looks are her most important asset and that physical appearance is the only thing a boy will look for in a girl.

Another common character trope portrayed in many Disney films is that a woman’s personality is binary. The heroine, often young/adolescent, is frail, gentle, kind-hearted, beautiful, loved by all, extremely feminine, domestic and sensitive. On the other end of the spectrum lie the villains: middle-aged woman portrayed to be vile, cunning, wicked, ill-hearted, unpleasant to look at and downright unlikeable. For example, Mother Gothel (Rapunzel), Ursula (The Little Mermaid) and the wicked Queen (Snow White) all fit into the aforementioned category. They have been called Disney's femme fatales (powerful woman defined by their sexuality). The step-mother and step-sisters from Cinderella are also significant examples that exist to act as foils to the protagonist’s character. All of these ‘evil’ women serve the purpose of making the innocent, naïve heroine look like a charming damsel in distress – one who is perfect to be wooed and one who stands out amongst the other gaudy women. They also make it seem like a woman is either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and that there is no in between.

There are, however, two Disney princess stories, such as Mulan and Pocahontas, that go against the traditional mold and portray the female leads as independent women. Throughout the movie, Mulan is constantly breaking stereotypes either by enlisting herself in her father’s place in the army (albeit disguised as a man) or only considering marriage because it brings honor to her family. The romance between Mulan, and her love interest, Li Shang is placed on the backburner to emphasize her bravery and autonomy. One of Disney’s native American characters, Pocahontas is displayed as a loyal, noble and wise-beyond-her age woman. Loosely inspired by the historical figure, Pocahontas has an integral role in preventing the war between the British and native Americans by using her shamanic powers. Like Belle (from Beauty and the Beast) and Mulan, Pocahontas does not believe that marriage is her eventual fate, although she doesn’t reject it altogether.

Of course, progress cannot be made overnight. It is made through long periods of evolutionary thinking and Disney has been somewhat changing the cards on its table. Recent films released by Disney and its subsidiary, Pixar, have been more diverse in terms of characters and storylines. The films also see a departure in romantic plot-lines for the heroines – instead giving the arcs of self-discovery and spirited passion. Brave put a new and much needed spin on the classic princess story. Fans and audiences were delighted to see that Disney’s idea of beauty (long, flowing hair, doe-eyes, dazzling smile, hour-glass figure) had been given a make-over and replaced with a more realistic image of a woman. Merida, Brave’s princess, had messy and tangled curly, a freckled face devoid of makeup, a torn dress as a result of days spent practicing archery, riding horses and climbing rocks. Merida’s frame was gangly, awkward and everything a pre-teen and teen girl embodies. On screen, she showed discomfort in being stuffed into a slimming corset and curve-accentuating dress. Her gait was not ‘princess-like’ but very comical and free. Furthermore, her goal was not to find a husband but rather to find herself and mend her relationship with her mother. Merida was so widely accepted by audiences (clearly showing that the 21^st century viewers demand something different from Disney’s long withstanding character stereotypes) that a vastly popular petition caused the writers to revert back to the version we see on screen, after a short stint in trying to ‘beautify’ Merida by making her adhere to the unrealistic body expectations that Disney is known to promote. Disney’s most recent release Moana, is another proof that when Disney breaks away from the status-quo, it receives acclaim from both critics and viewers.  Sporting a healthy and lean figure (as opposed to hour-glass like curves), Moana disliked being called a princess, never accepts the limits imposed upon her by her family and also takes on Maui’s (the demigod) destiny of restoring the ‘Heart of the Sea’ into her own hands. Marriage or even relationships are never even mentioned in this movie wherein the heroine gains confidence and spearheads battles against her enemies most of all her self-doubt. Moana proved to be a very relevant and necessary movie for Disney wherein a POC (person of colour) is given the leading role and isn’t reduced to a sidekick.

The discussion surrounding Disney’s portrayal of gender stereotypes would be incomplete without exploring the image of the various male characters. Gaston (from Beauty and the Beast) is the typical ‘manly man’: tall, white, burlesque, hairy and muscular, commanding the attention of all the maidens in Belle’s village. Often, the main male characters are given small, sometimes fat and witty comic-relief sidekicks (eg. Le Fou, Timon and Pumba) who serve as foils to the masculinity of the ‘hero’. These sidekicks are given ‘feminine’ qualities like offering advice to the hero, motivating him are often more sensitive and caring.  In fact, most Disney princess films portray the men as the ultimate ‘saviours’ (case in point: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid). This perpetuates the notion that women need to be saved and that men always need to save which is harmful for both male and female characters. It also brings in the idea that men are ‘superior’ to women because they possess a higher skill-set and have qualities that women do not.

Ultimately, Disney’s long enduring legacy of princess films have been showing various stereotypes that have only recently been broken. When Disney can diversify their characters, storylines and themes, they produce films that are not only open minded, but also progressive. The new wave of Disney animated films gives modern-age audiences hope for a more widespread and globalized approach to film making.

-V

* I am not rude. I am outspoken.

References:

1.       Gender & Pop Culture - Adrienne Trier-Bieniek and Patricia Leavy (Eds.)

2.       https://mic.com/articles/88167/9-harmful-stereotypes-we-never-realized-our-favorite-disney-movies-taught-us#.1QuxIL0Kf

3.       https://www.families.com/blog/a-study-in-princesses-pocahontas-and-mulan

4.       http://princess.disney.com/

5.       https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney_Princess

6.       https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moana_(2016_film)

Effects of Social Media on Our Mindsets

Are you one of those people who spends hours on end just browsing through social media apps? Because I am. And since you probably stumbled across this blog post through a Facebook page, let me just assume that you do too.

The adults (in particular) of our generation seem to be hounding us to stop using our phones so much. I think, I hear the following phrases at least 5 times a day: ranging from “Put down your phone and go do something useful”, “stop wasting your time on Facebook and chatting” to even “One day, your fingers are going to become crippled and defunct from all those hours you waste on your phone.” Well, as much as we hate to admit it, these adults are right. We do waste A LOT of time on our phones. We often try to convince ourselves that we are tapping away on WhatsApp to keep up with our friends or scrolling through twitter to keep up with the world, but for the majority of the time all we are doing is straining our eyes to stare at an illuminated screen while our brain tries to process the shitload of (mostly) useless information we present to it. 

I am sure many of us can agree on the fact that the first thing we do when we wake up (maybe after brushing your teeth) is check our phones for notifications. The last thing we do before going to bed is browse through our phones. We sleep with our phones right next to us. Even when we are socializing or hanging out with our friends, it seems as though we struggle without our phones at arm’s reach. Because without our phones, we cannot document every single detail that is happening. Whether it is posting a cinematographic picture on Instagram or posting a video on snapchat, most of us feel the incessant need to document all the fun stuff happening to us. And for what reason? Sure maybe we just want to keep a make memories and thread a story on our profile, but it is also because we want all those likes and comments. Who doesn’t want to be complimented for taking “the perfect selfie”? Who doesn’t want to make their peers envious of a recent exotic trip to Greece?

That craving for all the likes and attention is exactly what is hurting our minds. It makes us feel insecure and anxious whenever we post something new. Our goal is to constantly top the number of likes incurred on the previous post and if that doesn’t happen, there are serious blows to our self-esteem. You may feel that you aren’t loved enough by your friends and family or you may feel that you aren’t getting enough attention as you expected. We feel like we are not living wholesome lives when we see our friends travelling a lot or we feel like we’re missing out if we haven’t watched the latest movie or attended the latest concert. Ultimately, our reality becomes distorted because of these unrealistic expectations we form seeing other people’s picture-perfect lives. It is so important to remember that the pictures/stories we see on social media are hand-picked and glamourized and therefore not accurate representations of real life. Once we realize that our lives are great as they are and not inadequate because we missed out on a trip (for example), we can feel much better about ourselves!

Sometimes, we see mean and derogatory comments on social networking sites and we may feel a sense of angst or hurt. We may get offended when we see dumb jokes or trolls that intend to poke fun (be it a religion, a person, a movie or whatever) and in effect, we become butthurt from comments made by total strangers. It may difficult to ignore them, but we should remember how petty these commenters are being. Their lives behind the screen are probably totally different to how they project it to us on-screen. It is best to ignore these comments and move on with our lives – if we can’t put them in their places.

Another adverse effect of social media on our mindsets is how we develop a FOMO. A fear of missing out. This is obviously the reason why we check our accounts up to a staggering 10 times a day. And when we do, we are disappointed to see that there isn’t much new on our newsfeeds. But, the answer to the question, “why is social media so addictive?” is simple enough. Self-disclosure activates the same part of our brain that lights up when you take cocaine or any other recreational/stimulating drug. In other words, self-disclosure activates the same part of the brain that is associated with pleasure – the same pleasure we receive from eating the food we like or receiving money. The activation of these pleasure zones is even greater when people are told they have an audience.

However addicting these online platforms may be, there is always a way to take a step back and clear your mind. I recently did a phone detox. I should honestly say that was the most peaceful week of my life, ever since I got a phone. I had no access to Instagram, twitter, whatsapp, buzzfeed etc… and I forced myself not to view these sites on my laptop or PC. That was easy enough because once you are used to the comfort of your phone, it seems like a hassle to login on your laptop. Anyway, the biggest refreshment I found during that one week (although my fingers seemed to be facing a deficiency of tapping away on the screen) is that I felt relaxed and I didn’t bother about what others were doing with their time, at all. Because I didn’t know where so and so went or what so and so did, I didn’t have that lacking feeling. I concentrated only on myself for the first time in years. Somewhere along the way, I became a slave to my phone and to these sites and I felt free, even if it were for a short time, when I just put them away. Sure, it is not very easy to do it if you expect a lot of calls every day or if you require you phone to make transactions etc… but there are always self-control apps that block the function of all the downloaded apps on your phone. I highly recommend doing this detox occasionally, because it declutters your mind and rejuvenates your thought process. There is a great feeling from being disconnected to something that shouldn’t be causing you so much stress.

You may point out the irony of this blog post. “You say all these things yet you are using Facebook to share your thoughts.” Yeah you are right. But the thing is, sometimes you have to use fire to fight fire. I cannot put across this message to the people I want to say this to unless I say it on a platform that everyone is bound to check at least once a day.  You don’t have to follow this advice even though I highly recommend it out of personal experience. Nevertheless, maybe today will be the day you decide to toss your phone out for a while. If you’re looking for some change and some decluttering in your life, don’t wait any longer! Just go for it!

--V

*I am not rude, I am outspoken.

Bullying in schools

Bullying is a very common and serious problem that teenagers face all over the world. It is something most people have been through in their school life and have tried to ignore, but many of the bullied have been mentally affected by all those comments and actions from the bullies. Ways of bullying may range from seemingly harmless jokes, comments and spreading rumors to pranking, verbal if not physical violence. If it is not taken seriously, the person affected by this can go into depression and isolate themselves from their peers and even their family. In the worst cases they can even go as far as to harm themselves or commit suicide.

Even though no reason can be significant enough to justify bullying, the main causes are prejudices and stereotypes created by our society and especially by this generation. One of the main groups of people who are victims of bullying in almost every school are the so-called nerds. These are the studious and (not necessarily) introverted students who do not indulge in ordinary high-school activities like gossiping or partying. These kind of people are ostracized by their peers and in some cases forced to help others to cheat in their classes for better grades. This is one of the main reasons for their low levels of self-esteem and distrusting nature.

Our modern body image is another cause for bullying of specific individuals. Being dark-skinned or overweight can make you victim of bullying in most schools as our generation idolizes “white”, skinny celebrities. In my opinion, this obsession over a fair skin complexion is like a hangover-effect from the colonial time. Anyone with this type of a figure and complexion are considered beautiful and those who do not fulfill these beauty standards are shunned. This often results in rude jokes, pranks and disrespect for the bullied person and this affects them mentally. They may even start disliking their bodies or themselves and may not feel comfortable in their skins.

In many private schools there is the problem that students, who stem from the middle-class or low-income earning families are discriminated and bullied. They are belittled because they do not have branded products or because their English sounds too “low-class”. The constant rude remarks and laughter that they experience may distract and completely demotivate them from studying or even focusing on their aims in life. Of course, not everyone can be generalized to this statement. Some people prove the others wrong by putting in their best efforts and achieving their goals, but they are exceptions.

Bullying, for whatever reason it may be, really impacts the lives of the bullied and the bullies. The bullied ones have difficulties with their own character and appearance as they wonder if it is their fault that everyone disrespects them. They have serious trust issues for a major part of their lives, are very defensive due to all these negative experiences and do not understand the value of their uniqueness. They try to get rid of their individuality and become “normal”, which can even lead to an identity crisis as they are not being accepted by their peers. The bullies do not understand the difference between respect and fear and live delusional lives until they realize their mistakes. They may never realize how the problems that they created in some other individual's life may have hurt and impacted them this deeply. They will never learn until they experience it themselves.

However we cannot generalize and say that bullies are always the “bad” ones in this story. Who knows what might have cause them to behave this way to others? They might have even been bullied or mishandled in the past. Maybe that is just how they let out all the anger, frustration or stress that has been pent up inside them. I know from my own experience that life can be very difficult and unfair. But it gives no one the right to treat another person without any respect or equality.

Some say that bullying can never be stopped and will always prevail in every school. I too agree with them, but only up to a certain extent. Of course bullying will not stop if no one takes any action against it. Of course it will never stop until we all realize that at some point in our lives we had been on either one side of this problem: the bully or the bullied. But it not enough to just realize this. Victims of bullying should acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses and not let themselves be defined by their peers. They should appreciate their individuality and empower themselves. The same way, when bullies realize what they have done, they should take a step towards respecting others and treating them equally. Most importantly, they should forgive anyone who was a reason for their attitude towards others and also forgive themselves.

– R

* I'm not rude, I'm outspoken.

An Open Letter to All My Haters

This is an open letter to all of the people in the world who spread so much negative energy. From bullies to gossiping and criticizing aunties. Those who find a problem for every solution. Those fakers who act like they like you but then bitch about you behind your back. This one is for all of you. :)

Dear haters,

I am sure there are many people who want to say many things to you. Sadly, these people lacked the courage to speak their minds. And maybe that’s a result of your comments and taunts. You may not have realized how your thoughtless comments affect others when you first utter them. But these said comments sometimes do have a very significant impact on your victims’ minds. More often than not seemingly insignificant remarks can go onto have very adverse and long-term effects on the mind.  It Lowers self-confidence. More anxiety. More insecurities. Bullies are the most evident haters that I can think of. Being bullied teaches you that you are undesirable – i.e. that you don’t belong and you don’t fit in. By virtue of the way that identity tends to work, you are being set up to believe that these things the bullies are saying about you are true. It would be great if the average person was possessed of unshakable self-confidence, but this just isn't how identity works.

I feel like all bullies have an endless repertoire of things they can use to rag people with. Calling people fat. Calling them skinny. Critiquing appearance (skin condition, colour) such as acist slurs. Inevitably, it is the sensitive kids who get singled out for teasing; the kids who cry easily; the kids who prefer to be alone than with the wrong company; the “geeks”; “the nerds”. It disgusts me to no end as to how stereotypes are taken so seriously by these haters. Just because you like comics that doesn’t make you a raging fanboy/girl who won’t talk about anything else. Just because you have glasses, doesn’t mean you are a scrawny nerd. And just because you are a nerd, doesn’t make you “uncool”. In fact – nerds are some of the “coolest” most passionate people in the world. It would do us so much good if we put aside our petty differences and judgements and actually embraced them. No one has the right to taunt or hate on another person because of his/her hobbies, interests, sexuality, race, religion, beliefs and/or appearance. There is no such thing as wrong size, wrong face, wrong skin color or even wrong personality.

Despite all of your intentions, I know that you (like everything else in this world) have a purpose. I want to thank you for teaching me a few things. Thank you for making me realize that loving myself for who I am is more important than fearing your opinions. Thank you for making me realize that I need not give a shit about anyone’s negative opinions of me. I know me more than you know me. We all have our insecurities and vulnerabilities. Plus, we’re only human. We don’t need to get it together every minute of the day. Everyone has bad days, right? And through those bad days I found out that it is up to me to recognize those few genuine people who love me. Over time, I have come to understand that the quality of my friends is so much more important than the quantity of the same. Those few people are the ones that are worth it all. Just like that I say thank you for being my greatest teachers about the power of words. Because of your words I choose mine carefully. Thank you for teaching me, though it has taken me years to learn, that just because someone says something about me does not make it true.

Learning not to give a shit about people’s opinions of you is tough. It may sound surprising to the carefree and nonchalant people out there but it is true. As someone who suffers from social anxiety, I find it difficult to explain why that is so. My brain goes into haywire mode and I end up overthinking and over analyzing every little remark. This leads to insecurity and it is a downhill spiral from there. Once or twice is tolerable. Anyone can understand a joke or a tease but saying it repeatedly makes us think what if it is actually true? You can say why do you care? Well of course I care! It is me you are talking about! I have self-respect and I care about my self-esteem. You can’t expect us to brush it off or take it lightly once it has already lowered our self-confidence. But now I know better. I don’t need to care about what you say about me to me or whoever. It is a slow process but I am learning that loving myself is more important than fearing your opinions of me. It takes time but I know that I can overcome my insecurities.

You have to realize by now that your thoughtless actions show your true colors and not mine. It shows how sad, petty, hateful and maybe even jealous you are. There is a thin line between joking around and actually being rude. The limits exist and what may seem funny to you may not be on the humorous side for me at all. I really wouldn’t know what turned you into a hater or what past experiences made you be like this. But I hope to god that he/she gives you the strength to overcome whatever the negative feelings you are feeling. At least for your victims’ sake if not for your well-being. I advise you change your attitude before it is too late. Before your cunning attitude affects or even ruins your future relationships. Before you can’t go back and before you lose something dear to you. There is absolutely nothing to gain from being spiteful and hateful. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Think before you speak because the saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is not really true.

Sincerely,

A victim

-         -- V 

*       *I am not rude. I am outspoken.